3-year-old: My feet are cold.
Me: Why did you take off your socks?
3: Daddy, you’re not helping.
Me and my useless, unrelated questions.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2013
Wife: You’re hot.
Me: I know.
W: No, you have a fever. You’re burning up.
M: *tries to kiss her*
W: *sprays me with Lysol Disinfectant*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2013
Marriage isn’t a sleepover with your best friend. It’s more like a life sentence with a cellmate who occasionally gives you a reach-around.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2013
3-year-old: Daddy, I can jump over my baby!
*jumps*
*lands directly on doll*
I think I’ll wait awhile before I let her babysit her sister
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2013
*gets car stuck in snow*
*throws down kitty litter*
*waits for a cat to pee on it and melt the snow*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2013