It turns out when my 1-year-old brushes her teeth she moves her head, not the brush. That explains why she gets dizzy and falls over.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2013
I don’t get what Obama is doing. There’s no point in being president if you don’t make Secret Service agents dress up like stormtroopers.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2013
I don’t understand heated driveways. If you can afford that kind of luxury to melt snow, you can afford to move someplace warmer.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2013
How long does my beard need to be before I can do magic like Gandalf? With this much stubble, I should at least be able to do card tricks.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2013
I don’t know why some women freak out about being called “ma’am.” It’s politer than the more accurate greeting of “hey, crazy bitch.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2013