Thanks, lady at daycare who gave my 3-year-old a microphone for Christmas. Your anthrax is in the mail.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013
Me: Santa is pretend, just like zombies
3 y.o.: But zombies are real
M: Fine. Zombies ate Santa
Let’s see if she spreads that at daycare.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013
Bands mellow with time. I just bought two tickets to see Polite Complaints Against the Machine.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013
Friend: I want a girl who doesn’t know she’s pretty
Me: You want her to be stupid?
F:
M: Blind?
F:
M: Crippled by self-doubt?
F: Yes
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013
Wife: If you want to sweep me off my feet, learn to use a broom.
Me: *uses broom to poke her in the face*
*waits for sex*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013