Of course it’s fine you got me Mega Blocks instead of Legos, Grandma. Like you said, they’re “the same thing.”
*burns down her house*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2013
3-year-old: Daddy, do I have to take a nap?
Me: Yes.
3: *offers me a nickel*
M: *takes money* Don’t tell your mother.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2013
Friend: What’s your favorite part of a woman?
Me: Her segmented body.
F:
M: Wait, I’m thinking of ants. What are we talking about again?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2013
Wife: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Nothing.”
W:
M:
W:
M:
W:
M: *turns off strobe light*
*takes egg salad out of pants*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2013
When I was young and full of energy, I had a hard time falling asleep. Now I could take a nap in the middle of a shower.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2013
It’s amazing how many topics you cover in your life in any given day! so funny!
It’s kind of amazing what I’ll think about to avoid actually working. And by “amazing,” I mean “sad.”