Me: I hate taking orders.
Wife: What if I order you to take a nap?
Me: *has an existential crisis*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2013
I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the greatest gift I can give.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2013
My favorite part of watching “The Matrix” on cable is how they bleep “holy shit” but don’t censor Neo violently murdering 85 security guards
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2013
3-year-old: I’m big now. I shouldn’t have a bedtime.
Me: Fine. Stay up as late as you want.
3: *falls asleep on the floor at 8:01 p.m.*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013
Me: Marry Christmas.
Her: You mean “merry.”
Me: Of course.
*hides marriage certificate*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2013