Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013
3-year-old: Can I watch TV with you?
Me: Only if you don’t ask questions
3: Why?
M: Because you ask too many
3: Why?
M: Leave
3: Why?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013
Masturbating is a healthy act for any normal adult, so don’t look at me like that. I can’t help it if I’m the only mature one on this bus.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013
In my opinion, it’s cruel NOT to turn pigs into bacon. Animals deserve to achieve their full potential and be delicious.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013
My 3-year-old walked up to me and said, “You smell like a girl.” I’d be offended, but this cherry blossom lotion makes my skin look fabulous
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013