Women are hard to read. The same polite smile can mean “I’m happy” or “I’m going to hit you with my car.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 29, 2013
My wife and kids are out of town. Time for a wild party!
*drinks two beers*
*falls asleep on the couch*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2013
3-year-old: Carry me.
Me: You’re too old for that.
3: Are you not strong enough?
M: *carries her*
I wonder who’s really in charge here.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 29, 2013
My proudest moment was when I tackled Joe Namath. I don’t care if he was 70 years old and nonchalantly walking to his mailbox. It’s a sack.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 29, 2013
3-year-old: *wrinkles her nose* What did you do in here?
Me: I pooped.
3: Can we move?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 29, 2013