3-year-old: Daddy, don’t dance while you drive.
Me: Fine. When should I dance?
3: Never.
She’s a prodigy at being ashamed of me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 31, 2013
Our 1-year-old has never had caffeine.
Wife: You didn't give her Pepsi, did you?
Me: Of course not.
1-year-old: *stays awake for 9 days*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 31, 2013
My pregnant wife got heartburn from water and a bagel. The odds of her ever letting me touch her again have officially hit zero.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 31, 2013
Anyone can succeed at life. You just need perseverance. And money. And family connections. And no morals. And a place to hide the bodies.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 31, 2013
Serial killers are always the people you least expect. That’s why I blame all unsolved murders on Mr. Rogers.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 31, 2013