Here are my least-terrible tweets from today:
I don’t know why my company has a suggestion box. I keep putting in ideas, but we still don’t have cotton candy & hookers in the break room.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2013
I’ve never written a novel, but I’ve already finished my first work of fiction. It’s my résumé.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2013
I don’t love myself. I only want me for the sex.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2013
I have a new stress-relieving technique. Take a deep breath. Now hold it until you die. If you do that, I’ll be a lot less stressed out.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2013
“Isn’t that the guy who went to jail for humping a manatee?”—me, every time I’m asked if I know someone
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2013