Here are my least-terrible tweets from today:
I was going to water my garden, but instead I went to the bar with my friends because bros before hose.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2013
Anyone who thinks you can have too much of a good thing must be unfamiliar with beer, naps, and orgasms.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2013
If you really want people to do something for you, the magic words aren’t “please” and “thank you.” They’re “I have a gun.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2013
I hate it when other people waste my time. That’s my job.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2013
My parents raised me to be the bigger man. That’s why I only pick fights with children.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2013
It is, but we express it only in grunts.
I think the second one is the man credo. As always so funny!