Here are my least-terrible tweets from today:
People who use Twitter to quote famous sayings from historical figures are idiots.—Winston Churchill
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 15, 2013
I’m actually very polite if you consider a boner to be a compliment.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 15, 2013
Observation: Most of the fat people I know are on diets. Conclusion: Dieting makes you fat.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 15, 2013
In math, an imaginary number is anything a woman tells you when you ask about her age, weight, or sex partner tally.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 15, 2013
Never trust things that pop out of other things. There’s something sinister about jack-in-the-boxes and pregnant women.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 15, 2013
You may be on to something. I definitely fear my wife.
I think you fear women! That is my analysis of your very funny tweets!