If porn was realistic, instead of saying “Do me harder,” porn stars would say, “Hurry up and finish. I hear the kids coming up the stairs.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2013
My office received a shipment of laser pointers to use during presentations. I give it two hours before everyone here is blind.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2013
The filter I apply to most pictures of me is “delete.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2013
There’s an Angry Birds movie in the works. This gives me hope that someone will finally publish my novelization of Tetris.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2013
Me: “Time for a bath.” My 3-year-old: “Where are we going?” Apparently my kids are filthy unless I take them out in public.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2013