My boss said I’m as useful as a potted plant, but he’s off base. Plants make oxygen that keeps us alive. I’m way less useful than that.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2013
Romantics like to say, “Love will find a way.” What they leave off is “…to fuck up your life.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2013
Due to the huge loans students take out to get degrees, the slogan “knowledge is power” should be replaced with “knowledge is poverty.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2013
Men’s restrooms have dispensers for condoms and cologne. To level the playing field, women’s restrooms should have dispensers for mace.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2013
I didn’t understand why my coworker got promoted, but then I saw her eat a banana. A great résumé can’t compete with a suppressed gag reflex
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2013