Being a parent is a lot like being a prison guard. Your main job is to make sure the kids don’t kill each other or escape.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
I may be a nobody now, but give me some time. In a few years, I’ll be a slightly older nobody.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
My wife’s new catchphrase is “If you tweet that, I’ll kill you.” The balance of power has finally shifted in this relationship.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
If I ever catch on fire, I’ll stop, drop, and rock and roll. I plan to burn up in the middle of a guitar solo.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013