I’m not antisocial. I’m pro-isolation.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2013
My wife: “You messed up my hair.”
Me: “You messed up my life.”
Married pillow talk isn’t as sexy as it sounds.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2013
Before I turned 16, I wanted to drive more than anything in the world. Now that I’m older, I just want someone else to drive so I can drink.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2013
My 3-year-old looked at me very seriously & said, “If you find a dinosaur, don’t ride it.” I really hope I get to use this advice someday.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2013
My life coach’s name is Jack Daniels.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2013
I bet your father’s day was amazing! Has your family taken revenge yet?
They’ll never take revenge on me. I look over my shoulder and never sleep in the same place twice.
I would SO follow you on Twitter, it I used Twitter! Instead I will just follow you here.
It’s probably for the best. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.