If sweatpants were honest, instead of saying “juicy” or “sexy” on the butt, they’d say “I’m too lazy to shower” or “I’ve given up on life.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2013
I play a drinking game where I take a shot every time I’m sad. My wife calls it “alcoholism.” I call it “my turn to watch the kids.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2013
I’m not impressed if you drink enough to do the chicken dance at a wedding. Talk to me when you drink enough to do the worm at a funeral.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2013
Studies show the biggest dicks have the smallest dicks, so jerks are angry for a reason. A tiny, tiny reason.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2013
Now that Bin Laden is dead, America’s most wanted terrorist should be the stingray that killed Steve Irwin. It’s time for a drone strike.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2013