I’ll teach my girls about sex through wildlife documentaries, specifically the one where the female spider kills any males who get too close
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2013
At work, I took mandatory training on how to use Microsoft Word. Next I hope they teach me how to operate a light switch and flush a toilet.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2013
I try to look on the bright side of life. For example, my odds of getting attacked by a samurai or a velociraptor today are extremely low.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2013
When I say I can’t hang out with you because I have plans, my only plan is to not hang out with you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2013
I don’t use the horn in my car. I use the bucket of large rocks I keep within easy reach of the driver’s seat.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2013
I just laugh out loud. Your girls will find a great nursing home for you one day, far far away!
Nah, they adore me. The Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.