Everyone with the same tribal tattoo should form a tribe to battle other tattoo groups until only one clan of douchebags remains.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2013
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2013
My 3-year-old bit someone at daycare. Apparently daddy-daughter zombie movie night isn’t as harmless as I thought.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2013
My 3-year-old: “Beep, beep, beep.”
Me: “What are you doing?”
Her: “I’m cooking like you.”
I do set off the smoke detector a lot. Touché.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2013
I had a hard time finishing my steak because I ate too many gummy bears before dinner. Adulthood is harder than it looks.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2013