The Bible told me to be fruitful and multiply, so I drank some strawberry Smirnoff and did math problems.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2013
I refuse to explain myself to you. If I don’t know why I did something, you shouldn’t either.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2013
Living to be 1,000 years old sounds cool until you realize you’d have to work until you were 900 to afford retirement. No thanks, scientists
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2013
I don’t know why everyone is giving me dirty looks for trying to start the wave at this funeral. A guy is dead. Show some respect.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2013
My wife: “How does my hair look?”
Me: “Brown.”
Now when she wants fashion advice, she asks our dog.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2013
Math and vodka: A dangerous mix.
Wow, I don’t think I could do vodka and math problems. You sir, are a legend in your own time!
I said I could do them. I didn’t say I could do them correctly.