My wife and I disagree on whether or not I’m a pyromaniac. I told her we’ll finish this discussion when her eyebrows grow back.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2013
In front of our kids, my wife and I call sex “laundry.” This leads to confusion & disappointment when she actually wants me to wash clothes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2013
I wasn’t sure if “poopy” or “poopie” was the right spelling, so I just called the diaper “shittastic.” That’s why my wife ignores my texts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2013
“You should play together nicely because you love each other,” I said to my kids. We all laughed and then they resumed their knife fight.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2013
I laid out a spread of fruit, cereal, and milk for my toddler. The first thing she tried to eat was a hair scrunchy she found on the floor.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2013