My wife said she needs sex like she needs a hole in her head. I replied that she already has a hole in her head & I’d simply like to use it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2013
If you can’t handle me at my worst, you should leave now because I haven’t hit rock bottom yet.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2013
Where do I find these friends with benefits? Right now, all I have are friends with annoying obligations.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2013
My boss told me I’m doing a good job. It was nice to get confirmation he has absolutely no idea what I actually do all day.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2013
I pretend I’m busy when the janitor empties my cubicle trash can because I don’t want him to know he’s the only one here who actually works.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2013
My 3-year-old stores her baby doll in her toy fridge. She gets her nurturing instincts from me. pic.twitter.com/6v3ZLblt2Y
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2013