My wife and I are going to Walmart to buy dog food and toilet paper. Date night is different when you’re married.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2013
Anyone who has a stressful job should qualify for medical marijuana. It would help me chill out enough not to murder my coworkers.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2013
When someone griped at work, I used to say, “Do you want cheese with that whine?” That was rude of me. Now I just punch them in the throat.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2013
“Under the influence” implies subtle persuasion, which isn’t how alcohol works. Vodka just bitch slaps me until I do what it says.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2013
If you say “warsh” instead of “wash,” I assume it’s because bathing in general is a foreign concept to you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2013
If you added candlelight to that trip to Walmart, it would be a perfect date!
Then it would be a date in the rain since the candles would set off Walmart’s sprinklers.