When I walk away from my car, I hit “lock” on the key fob twice. Then 1 more time to be sure. Then 9 more times because I have problem.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2013
If you didn’t level a toddler with a refrigerator door today, you’re doing a better job at parenting than me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2013
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2013
Marriage is only a bad idea for two kinds of people: 1) men 2) women.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2013
When I screw up, I say, “At least I’ve never pooped my pants in Walmart.” Actually, that’s what I said before today. Now I have nothing.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2013
Before I got a car with a fob, I used to check the handle five times to make sure it was locked. I have a problem too.