It’s hard to follow my 3-year-old’s stories. When she says something happened “yesterday,” she could mean a day ago, a year ago, or never.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2013
I saw my 1-year-old wandering around the house throwing a potato. I was going to intervene, but instead I drank a beer and let her be happy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2013
After I have sex with my wife, I like to ask her, “Is it the usual rate?” Then I hand her a dollar. Just kidding. We don’t have sex.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2013
There are a lot of pregnancy myths out there, but the biggest one is that having kids is a good idea.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2013
I judge you by your possessions. If you own lots of heavy stuff you might expect me to move someday, we can’t be friends.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2013
It’s nice that you let your daughter have the best toys in the world. Nothing spells fun like spuds!
It’s fun until two months later when my wife finds a rotting potato behind the couch.