When my boss came to my desk, I covered my eyes with my hands. My toddler lied to me. I didn’t turn even a little invisible.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2013
I don’t waste my time adding friends on Facebook. I’m too busy unfriending people in real life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2013
I’m looking to sponsor an alcoholic. I don’t want to make you sober up. I just want to help you be the best drunk you can be.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2013
Whenever I hear the phrase “the devil’s handiwork,” I picture satanic arts & crafts. Don’t mess with the macaroni sculptures of the damned.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2013
It’s illegal for my boss to fire me for an allergy but OK to do it for a bad attitude. I don’t get why. They’re both preexisting conditions.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2013