I noticed my 3-year-old was asleep, so I texted my wife. She freaked out because I forgot the last space in “We have a kid napping”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2013
I’ve heard the lady in the next cubicle loudly tell the same mundane story 9 times today. It’s like sitting next to a Facebook status update
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2013
Whatever, women who claim they can’t get laid. All you have to do is walk up to any man on the planet & say, “I’m horny & I have a vagina.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2013
My wife texted me that she felt like brooding, but her phone changed it to “breeding.” That was the fastest I’ve ever made it home.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2013
“Everything I do, I do for you” sounds romantic unless the guy who says it spends his days sharpening knives and masturbating furiously.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2013