If “Pretty Woman” was remotely realistic, Julia Roberts would have smothered that guy with a pillow and used his money to buy crystal meth.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2013
“Hey, someone spiked my alcohol with more alcohol.”—the guy who invented Long Island iced tea
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2013
I recently told a group of adults, “Hold on. I have to go potty.” Any chance I had of being respected as a man ended when I had kids.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2013
My marriage is hit or miss. She hits on other guys and I miss being single.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2013
My toddler is the reason I can’t have nice things. To her, “Don’t touch it” means “Chew on it and then throw it down the stairs.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2013