My 1-year-old’s day: 1) climb the stairs 2) remember she doesn’t know how to go back down the stairs 3) scream for help 4) repeat 900 times
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2013
When men say they like a woman who is a little crazy, they mean “spontaneous in bed,” not “names her cats after ex-boyfriends.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2013
After you pay bills the first few times, you realize “adult” is just another word for “sucker.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2013
The gas station attendant smoked while she rang up my propane tank. Her future isn’t bright, but her fiery death will be.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2013
At the zoo, I pointed to a seal eating fish from a bucket.
Me: “What’s that?”
My 3-year-old: “A bucket!”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2013
I think you need to put your kids driving you crazy on you tube. I think it will go viral! Of course, it will give your wife the edge in divorce court, but well worth the giggle.
If we divorce, I’m doomed. All she has to do is show my Twitter account to the judge.