My wife doesn’t want to hear about my dreams. She either doesn’t care about me or is tired of hearing about how she gets eaten by a dinosaur
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2013
My wife: No, we can’t have sex
Me:
Her: You have the flu
Me:
Her: There’s no way you can still be horny
Me: I don’t follow your logic
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2013
Benedict XVI joined Twitter. Two months later, he was the 1st pope in 600 years to resign. That’s why you don’t tweet under your real name.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2013
For some reason, my wife is upset I didn’t notice she got a new haircut or that she moved out six months ago. Women are complicated.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2013
Not all girls named after cars end up on the stripper pole. Good luck finding a job in a club with a name like Volkswagen.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2013
So that is what happened to Benedict? I thought he met a girl on twitter and resigned to meet her and live happily ever after.
The first rule of Twitter is there are no happy endings.