My 3-year-old, whining: “Do I have to brush my teeth every day forever?”
Me: “Well, no. Eventually you’ll die."
I’m not good at pep talks.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2013
My 3-year-old threw a fit because there were no alligators in the motel. It took me all day to figure out she meant “elevators.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 8, 2013
My 3-year-old made me a “pizza” that consisted of grass, Fruit Loops, and a Frisbee. To be fair, it probably tasted better than Domino's.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2013
I can’t wait until VH1 does a “Behind the Music” episode on The Wiggles. I bet those guys bang coked-out single moms all the time.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2013
The only thing better than spending a day on the road with my family is literally everything, including profuse rectal bleeding and scurvy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2013
HA HA HA! How cute on the alligator thing! She is one creative kid and kudos to you for testing out the pizza. You are right, it was probably better than Domino’s
Domino’s doesn’t even offer grass and Fruit Loops as toppings. They are very behind the times.