Wife: “What do you want to do tonight?
Me: *removes pants*
Her: “I guess I can wash a load of pants.”
Me: *plays videogames pantless*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2013
I find it hard to believe “bury the hatchet” means “put the feud behind you” and not “hide the evidence of the ax murder you just committed”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2013
He said we should settle our differences like men, so we drank beer and totally ignored our problems.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2013
My wife thinks I don’t let her know how I feel about her. Apparently my pelvic thrusts in her direction are vaguer than I thought.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2013
Me: “That’s so cute. Stay there so I can get a picture.”
My 1-year-old: *falls down the stairs*
Me: “Never mind. This didn’t happen.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2013