Me: “Hi, I’m James.”
Coworker: “I know. We’ve sat by each other for 3 years.”
Me: “Whatever. Are you going to tell me your name or not?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2013
The vet said my dog needs to go on a diet. I’m torn. I want him to be healthy, but not as much as I want him to be a vacuum for fallen food.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2013
Him: “Why are these vegetables in the garbage?”
Her: “They were in my vagina.”
Living w/ a cam whore probably isn’t as sexy as you’d think
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2013
My 1-year-old stuck a coaster in her diaper. Evidently I’m not the only one who resents my wife’s rules for drinks on the coffee table.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2013
My 3-year-old said, “I have a plan,” in case you wondered why I’m hiding at the bar down the street.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2013
So, do your toddler’s plans for destruction get a national security rating?
Nah. She inherited my inability to follow through on anything.