My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2013
There’s no place sadder than the Walmart clearance aisle. On an unrelated note, I now own a giant tub of cheese balls and a Shake Weight.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2013
Coworker: “I can’t believe you said I was stupid in that email to everyone.”
Me: “I can’t believe you knew how to read it.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2013
There’s an archaeologist who specializes in fossilized poop. His most common complaint is, “Man, this shit is getting old.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2013
When talking about a business proposal, my boss said, “Just stick it in there and see what happens.” I refused. That’s how babies are made.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2013