“I’m so upset that she only used me for sex.”—no man ever
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2013
A consultant at work held a meeting to generate money-saving ideas. I suggested we stop hiring consultants. For some reason, he didn’t agree
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2013
Thanks for moving to the opposite sidewalk to avoid me, female jogger. I was clearly a threat. I often mug women when I’m walking w/ my kids
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2013
My wife bought 10 bottles of hand lotion. Given all the tissues she already stockpiled, I think she’s telling me I’m on my own from now on.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2013
If you can’t be witty, be sarcastic. If you can’t be sarcastic, be vulgar. If you can’t be vulgar, join Facebook b/c Twitter isn’t for you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2013