Me: “Everything you know about me is a lie.”
Coworker: “I think you’re an asshole.”
Me: “Then everything you know about me is correct.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 16, 2013
Me: “Sex?”
Wife: “No, I have a gyno appointment tomorrow. I don’t want you to mess me up.”
Me: “OK.” *adds “wrecker of vaginas” to résumé*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 16, 2013
Me: “Do you get where I’m coming from?”
My wife: “No, but wherever it is, I wish you’d go back there.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 16, 2013
To make my meeting calendar more accurate, I deleted the heading that said “Appointments” and put “Disappointments” in its place.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 16, 2013
*parks his ride in a tow-away zone*
*hides in bushes*
*waits to see if police will really impound a horse*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 16, 2013