We have 100s of photos of our 1st kid. We have like 12 of our 2nd kid. We could have a 3rd kid I don’t know about b/c we never took any pics
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2013
I just heard my wife fart on the other side of the house, in case you wondered what marriage is like.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2013
The only time it’s OK for a man to order an appletini is if he drinks it out of a human skull.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2013
I’m jealous of people who send drunk texts. My fingers aren’t that coordinated. When I drink, I just throw my phone at people’s heads.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2013
I’m quite a catch if your idea of a good time is falling asleep on the couch while I ignore you and play Xbox.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2013
I am the oldest of three siblings. My parents took all kinds of baby pictures of me. When my sister came along four years later, they didn’t take any of her. I think they took one baby picture of my brother, and that was only because a photographer friend was taking pictures of all of us at once.
One of my baby pictures is torn in half. This happened when my mother was going through them. My sister, who was maybe two or three years old at the time, got angry because there were no pictures of her. She took one of my pictures and tore it right down the middle.
Ah, sibling rivalry!
I vowed that wouldn’t happen when I was a parent, but I underestimated the power of my own laziness. At this point, my plan is to lie to my kids. All babies look the same, so I’ll just relabel pictures of the first kid to make it look like we took photos of the others.