Anyone who thinks the sound of chambering a shotgun round is the best way to scare off a burglar must not own a chainsaw.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2013
Just once in my life, when a woman says, “We need to talk,” I want her to end that sentence with “…about Batman.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2013
A guy ended a conversation with me by pulling off his fake leg and waving it at me menacingly. One of us needs to work on our people skills.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2013
I don’t have an irrational fear of people. I know what people are like. My fear is entirely rational.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2013
“Does the carpet match the drapes? I hope not. I hate gray carpet.”
My grandpa was quite the ladies’ man at the nursing home.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2013