Raising a 1-year-old is like dealing with a raccoon. I have to put the food out of reach and secure all trashcans.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2013
The best time to tell someone they have something stuck in their teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in their teeth.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2013
I hate you, but I’m not in hate with you. I’m sorry, but I’m not ready to settle down with one archenemy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2013
When my dog goes crazy over nothing, I secretly fear he’s barking at a ghost. Then I remember he’s also alarmed by dryer lint.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2013
I asked my wife if she’s happy being married to me and she broke down crying. I’m flattered by her tears of joy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2013
First, it’s sad you cannot commit to an archenemy. You really need to get over that and second, in my dogs’ book, they talk about how they bark in the air just to make their owners think there is a ghost. It’s a huge canine conspiracy! My dogs don’t bark at lint but the bleach bottle on the washer does freak them out!
We’re all going to look really stupid when it turns out there really is a ghost and it’s been hiding in the bleach bottle all along.