Me: “Sex tonight?”
My wife: “I guess.”
I’m pumped. That’s the most enthusiastic about it she’s been in years.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2013
I liked you, but then I realized what a terrible human being you are. Now I love you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2013
Her: “Close that door. Were you born in a barn or something?”
Him: “Kind of. It was a stable.”
Jesus often threw that one in Mary’s face.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2013
I don’t believe in stealing, except when it comes to Wi-Fi. Then I’m basically Robin Hood.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2013
My wife sorts the recycling and I drop it off. Someday she’ll learn we don’t have a recycling center. I just put it in a Dumpster somewhere.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2013