You call that quitting? You didn’t even light anything on fire. The last time I quit a job, you could see the aftermath on Google Earth.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2013
I won’t argue with you. I’d rather watch you be wrong, preferably from a safe distance. The catastrophe you cause will be visible from space
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2013
My 1-year-old won’t eat her food unless she throws it on the ground first. There’s probably a secret sauce down there I don’t know about.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2013
The best piece of furniture to buy at IKEA is a couch. After putting it together destroys your marriage, you can sleep on it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2013
My kids don’t hear a word I say when I’m right in front of them, but if I open a bag of chips their ears pick it up from a 100 miles away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2013
You need to get a boy dog because you just need more testosterone in your house. But don’t throw off the balance of power. The women should always have more power!
I actually have two male dogs, but together they still weigh less than my toddler. Owning pets that small deducted 9,000 points from my man card.