Hey rappers, instead of dropping it like it’s hot, maybe you should buy some oven mitts. They’re like $3 at Walmart.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2013
Protip: There is no key to a man’s heart. If you jam a key in there, he will bleed out and you will be a murderer.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2013
I find rocks in my shoes all the time even though I never leave the sidewalk. I suspect a disgruntled geologist is secretly harassing me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2013
“Whatever. You still live with your mother.”—what I say every time I get in an argument with a child
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2013
Protip: If you shout, “Things are about to get weird,” & then run to the bathroom, coworkers won’t check on you, no matter how long you take
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2013
Such profound tweets tonight. I think we need to re-name you @XplodingSocrates !
I am indeed a deep philosopher, but only of things to shout before entering a bathroom.