You know that moment after you stub your toe but before the pain reaches your brain? That’s what I go through when I see you open your mouth
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2013
*puts in headphones*
*turns on music*
*dances like nobody is watching*
*gets fired for raving in the middle of a board meeting*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2013
Sometimes I like to wake up my family by cooking breakfast. The smoke detector works just as well as an alarm clock.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2013
My superpower is that I can build an entire person using only my penis, although my wife helps a little, I guess.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2013
Most women would be in great shape if carrying emotional burdens built muscle and burned calories.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2013
Wow, that last tweet was so sensitive. Maybe you do understand women and our emotional baggage and maybe you do want to really carry babies in utero and experience the power of childbirth and maybe…I have had too much wine!
I always seems like a better human being when you drink.