If the "Goosebumps" books really wanted to scare kids they’d tell the story of a boy who grows up & dies a little each day at a job he hates
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2013
Tim Tebow rings up your groceries & pulls change from the drawer. “Sir,” he says as a tear rolls down his cheek, “here’s your quarter back.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2013
Erections are literally hard feelings.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2013
I put a personal ad on Craigslist: “Looking to make new friends. Must have blood type O negative & at least one working kidney.” Now I wait.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2013
Rich people get richer by letting their money work for them. I’m poor because my money is lazy. It just sits there until I spend it on beer.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2013