Friend: “I got a promotion & I’m having a baby”
Me:“I put a bottle opener on my keychain. I guess there’s a lot going on in both our lives”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2013
3-year-old: “Can I have a cookie?”
Me: “No”
Her: “I’m never going to be happy again”
She figured it out. I think that makes her an adult.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2013
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2013
Ladies, when a guy says, “You have pretty eyes,” what he means is, “You have nice boobs.” He doesn’t even know for sure if you have eyes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2013
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2013