Disney movies should have alternate endings that only play the 99th time a kid watches them. “Dad why did Cinderella get eaten by a raptor?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2013
A guy said his veggie patty was healthier than my ham.
His ingredients: textured protein, soy bulking agent & artificial flavor
Mine: ham
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2013
I don’t want much from life, just a beer and a quiet place to drink it. Also, money, fame, and power. And lots of sex. But that’s all.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2013
Getting a boner at a funeral is a normal part of the grieving process. It’s mourning wood.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2013
If I stay at my job, I’ll be financially stable but miserable. If I quit, I’ll be homeless and still miserable. It’s good to have options.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2013