My metabolism gives me exactly two options when I eat: I can be hungry, or I can be fat, with nothing in between.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2013
“Magnum” is the name of a condom and a brand of ice cream. Confusing the two isn’t a problem because women are equally happy with both.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2013
My 3-year-old: “I’m much, much stronger than you, daddy.”
Me: “Oh, yeah? Let’s arm wrestle.”
I proved my point. She barely even beat me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2013
Lady, please cover up and leave something to the imagination. My mind would be much kinder to your figure than those donuts have been.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2013
Me: “I love you.”
My 3-year-old: “I love books.”
Nice dodge, dear.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2013