In my 3-year-old’s dollhouse, a naked woman, a naked boy, and a tiger are all in the same bed. I assume alcohol was involved.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2013
My wife:“Put the tiara on.”
Me:*puts on tiara*
Wife:“No, on our 1 y.o.”
Me:“It’s OK. I’m good”
*goes to work in tiara*
* gets promoted*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2013
When most people say, “I’m on a diet,” what they mean is, “I eat exactly as much as I normally do, but now I feel guilty about it.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2013
If you seek medical attention for an erection lasting longer than four hours, the doctor just gives you a high five and sends you home.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2013
If you think there are no dumb questions, then you’ve never heard a 3-year-old ask them for hours. And no I don’t know why toilets are white
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2013
