What I Have Learned From This Year’s Shark Week

By: Dan Heap

Once again, I scared myself silly watching the annual airing of Shark Week on Discovery Channel.  But each year, I take from the week-long event some nuggets of wisdom that carry me through the next 365 days before the next Shark Week. These are this year’s lessons:

1. Sharks mainly eat people by mistake. While I find that fascinating, it affords little comfort because once you’re eaten, you’re eaten. Even if a shark vomits you out after realizing you were not his favorite entrée, odds are you still won’t  look too good.

2. Sharks can travel anywhere:  while the majority of sharks patrol the ocean deep, some have a poor sense of direction…well, like me and wander into  lakes, rivers and on one CSI show – a swimming pool.  Again, I understand that most shark attacks are mistakes and rare, but skiing vacations are beginning to grow on me – except in avalanche season.

3. Sharks are attracted to shiny, blingy things in the water.  I am safe here. My husband has long claimed that the reason he does not give me jewelry is because he loves me so much and is protecting me from shark attacks.

4. Sharks love to eat surfers.  And so, I have no problem feeding any shark any surfer.

5. Sharks are misunderstood.   I don’t know. I understand them. They swim fast and have big teeth.  I think that says it all.

6. Sharks attack swimmers who swim where there are seals.  So, if you know this and still swim by seals, I say to the sharks “Bon appétit!”

7. If you do find yourself in an encounter with a shark, you should  punch him in the nose.  This seems logical but beware,  if the shark doesn’t cry and retreat, he will be really pissed off. On the positive side, the attack will be over much sooner.


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8 thoughts on “What I Have Learned From This Year’s Shark Week”

  1. One day a year, we have Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Bon Jovi Hatred Day. I don’t think it’s fair that Sharks get to have an entire week. Bon Jovi Hatred Day is jealous and it’s easy to understand why.

  2. It’s a well known fact that sharks love to eat swimmers and surfers. They consider it a surf and turf buffet.

  3. “Sharks are attracted to shiny, blingy things in the water”

    Maybe that explains my wife’s obsession with jewelry of any kind, in or out of water – she’s part shark.

  4. I did know that sharks can travel anywhere. One time when I was traveling it annoyed me that the TSA agent pulled me out of line for a check but not the shark that was in front of me. Damn profiling.

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