When I Was Your Age …

Kathy Minicozzi

Look at that sweet middle-aged lady face!
Look at that sweet middle-aged lady face!
One of the things that I am determined NOT to become is a cranky old person. Okay, it’s easy to see why a lot of old people turn into curmudgeons. It can be hard to sustain a sunny smile when your joints hurt, you can’t see very well, you can’t remember where you put the TV Guide and some kid in the next apartment is playing Kanye West at eardrum-shattering volume. But that is not going to happen to me. No siree Bob! I will be Little Kathy Sunshine or die in the attempt, a martyr to cheerfulness.

To achieve my goal of becoming the sweetest old lady on the planet, I have set myself the following training exercises:

1. If I am standing on a subway train, I will not put the Evil Eye on the person who has the seat I want. Other people have a right to sit if they got there first, including the ones who are thirty years younger than I am and have better knees. I will grab onto the nearest pole and the overhead rail like an eagle with talons, lean my weary body on the pole and sustain an angelic smile, even if it makes me look like a complete idiot.

2. On the other hand, I won’t be a sissy. The guy who sits with legs wide apart, taking up two seats, one of which could be occupied by me if it were not occupied by the jerk’s left leg, will be treated to a well-aimed pea shooter pellet in his most sensitive area. Old person power!

3. When speaking to a member of a younger generation, I will never let the words “when I was your age” pass my lips, especially if the youngster’s parents weren’t even born when I was that age. When admitting one’s age, there is a point at which pride takes over, and this is it.

4. I will not cringe when I hear “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” on the radio during Christmas shopping season. I will be a bright beacon of Christmas light at all times.

5. In fact, I will never complain about Christmas or any other holiday. I will shop for presents online and in the stores, and will be happy and full of good cheer, even when being run over by all those bad tempered, sour faced grinches with the big shopping bags. I will be so damned cheerful that they will want to punch me out.

6. I will not complain about teenagers, no matter how degenerate they are. I will remember some of the things that my generation (Baby Boomers) did, and shut my big mouth before someone digs out some old pictures of naked hippies tripping on Acid.

7. I will confine my use of the “f” and “s” words and descriptive words such as “asshole” to times when they are badly needed and most effective. Bear in mind that I live in New York, so these words might be badly needed and most effective more often here than in places where they have not yet lost their shock value.

If anyone has any more suggestions about how to be a sunny, cheerful old person, please comment below.
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11 thoughts on “When I Was Your Age …”

  1. Whoops, I meant “nice!” to Larry. Cynic is a great word, and yes, cheer is overrated.

    I love this post! Too funny.

    I will stop feeling hostility toward young strapping men who watch me negotiating the difficult lock to my building while carrying groceries, my computer and my overnight bag, and don’t even think to help.

    I hate admitting that I do in the first place, and need a granny cart but can’t bring myself to get one.

    1. Shopping carts are a boon, but only if you go shopping from home. If you do as I do, and do a lot of your shopping on the way home from the subway stop, you have only the strength of your arms and hands to work with.

      I’m glad you got a laugh out of this!

      You should come and live in my building. Everyone, young and old, is always holding the door for everyone else, and there are people coming and going most of the day. (I live in a partially-subsidized co-op where we not only have to get past the board to be allowed to live here, we have to be approved by the city Dept. of Housing. I guess that helps to cull out the rude people, somehow.)

  2. I have learned from this post that I definitely want to be on the same subway car as you, as I will totally push you out of the way and make you hold onto the pole. 🙂

    I also think not wanting to hear “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” makes you a decent human being…not old.

    I don’t know that I have any other suggestions to make, as I plan on becoming the crotchety old woman, so I will be doing the opposite of all of your suggestions. 🙂

  3. I think we can all learn from this Kathy, no matter what age we are. Having said that, if I ever hear “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas”, I will be up for manslaughter!

    1. “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” is one of those songs that gets in your brain and won’t leave. Unfortunately, it was recorded by Burl Ives, who also recorded some much better things than that and was much too talented for that insipid Christmas song!

      Radio stations over here play it ad nauseum at Christmas time.

  4. Happiness comes from within, not from your body or your surroundings. As we get older and, hopefully, wiser, we can take comfort in the fact that the source of our happiness is not affected and the supply is not diminished!

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