Your Guide To Hassle-Free Holiday Shopping

Holiday shopping can be such a hassle. The crowds are big and the parking spots are scant. The non-stop Christmas music is wearying. And just when you think you’re gonna save $100 on that flatscreen TV, you end up spending $300 extra in co-pays to get your jaw reset after the fistfight.

Yes, Deck The Halls is turning into Deck The Competition. Who wants all that hassle? If it’s not you, then keep reading.

The other day I saw a story about the variety of approaches people bring to Black Friday shopping. Some people buy a bunch of stuff, cart it home, and then drive back to the mega-store for more. But others mimic the approach a little birdie takes in building its nest – they shop, head out to their car, drop the stuff off, and head back inside for more.

This second scenario is the solution for savvy shoppers who want to avoid the hassles outlined above. Here’s what you do:

Stand in the parking lot and scan the area with a pair of binoculars. Look for someone who makes a gift drop in their car and then heads back into the store. Once you’ve found this person, wait for them to return with a second load. And when they head back into the store once again, go steal their car.

Your shopping is done for the year.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking – this totally violates the spirit of Christmas. That’s debatable – if you’ve seen any of the clips of the Black Friday brawls at Wal-Mart, you’ll realize that we’ve entered a new normal. They call it Black Friday because the chance of coming home with a black eye is very high.

But when you use my patented Drive Your Own Sleigh ™ technique, no one gets physically hurt. So just picture yourself as Santa and the stranger’s car as a rental sleigh, and you’ll be fine. Just bring the car back and don’t damage it – that’d be way uncool.